Pexatus Pulchre Rides Mea Trita
by nichelium
Summary: Jiro was going to go clothes shopping today, but his friend still hasn't shown up. Is he going to give up and go back home? Well, not if Hifumi has anything to say about it. Gentaro helps, or maybe hinders.


Jiro was loitering on a bench outside some Shinjuku mall when he heard a familiar voice call out to him, "Hey, Yamada!"

He looked up from his phone and recognized that Matenrou host guy with the hard-to-read name. He was dressed casually, a messenger bag slung over his shoulder.

"It's weird to see you outside the battles! What brings you out to Shinjuku?" Hifumi asked. He was all smiles, so Jiro figured it was fine to chat, even with an opponent.

"I was meeting a friend to go shopping, but," he double-checked the time on his phone, "I dunno if they're showing." He'd come all the way out here because his friend had insisted there was a store on this street that would have _perfect_ clothes for him to wear in the division battles, he just _had_ to see it. Must not've been that good if they were an hour late to meet him there, though. "Guess I'm gonna go home." He pocketed his phone and got up to leave.

"Oh, boo! Where were you going? I can show you there."

Without his friend around, Jiro wasn't really keen on going. Buying clothes on his own sucked. "Some clothes store with a weird short name, but I don't think-"

Hifumi interrupted him, "It wasn't _Shida_, was it?"

"Eh? Yeah, that's it, but-"

"I was just heading there! Your friend has good taste!" Before Jiro could think, Hifumi put an arm across his shoulders and was pushing him along. "Let's go!"

Jiro slipped out of the grasp and protested, "Woah, woah! I wasn't even gonna _go_ without my friend."

"Aren't we friends, though?" Hifumi was beaming. "I heard how it was you that figured out my, hah, stalker situation. You're a good guy in my books. So come with me!" He put a hand on Jiro's shoulder again, but didn't push this time.

Well, Jiro supposed, he _had_ planned to go to this place, anyways. It was weird to go with… this guy, sure, but he seemed nice enough. And Jiro had seen him in his suit at the battles, so he knew he had some sense of style. Yeah, alright, this might still be fun. He shrugged. "Lead the way, then, Mr. Izanami?"

Hifumi scoffed. "No need to be so formal. Call me Hifumin!"

The two of them twisted through a maze of sidestreets and alleyways. Jiro was sure they must've turned right around at some point and gone in the opposite direction for a while before turning back, but Hifumi seemed completely sure in the decision, so he followed along without complaint. They ended up at a hidden-away shop with nothing much else nearby, the sign reading "SHIDA" in latin script. Mannequins dressed in fine suits were displayed in the window.

Hifumi pushed him inside, saying "Go on, go on!"

The decently sized interior was filled to the brim with all manner of menswear. Suits, vests, shirts, and accessories were packed into full racks along every possible surface, leaving barely enough room to walk. It was way more colourful than Jiro thought a fancy place like this might be, but other than that? Not at all his style. His friend from school had really thought he'd be into this? Yeesh. He was glad they weren't here so he didn't have to let them down. Not that he wanted to let Hifumi know, either.

Hifumi held his arms wide. "Isn't it great? I was just coming to get a new shirt or two, but since you're here, let's pick you out a whole outfit!" He started to make his way through the racks.

They might've been the only customers there at the moment (that he could see), but that didn't make it any easier to get around. As they shuffled through to the other end of the space, Jiro glanced at a price tag and grimaced. He probably wouldn't be buying much.

Looking back up, he caught Hifumi's eye; he waved Jiro over to where he was talking with a clerk. They needed to take his measurements, apparently, so he settled in to be poked and prodded.

Hifumi set his bag down by the fitting rooms (better to navigate the shop unencumbered) and browsed the nearby racks. Every so often he looked back up at Jiro with glee.

Once the measuring was done, Hifumi, determined to involve himself in every step of this process, got the details from the clerk. He went back to the racks and picked out the appropriate sizes of the items he'd looked at before. Jiro followed behind him. He mindlessly poked at the same things Hifumi had, but wasn't really sure what to do, otherwise.

Hifumi noticed his idleness, and said, "It's alright, Yamada! I've got the jacket and pants, don't worry. I'll be sure to bring out anything good for you. You go check out the shirts, and pick out anything interesting you want to try out. We can worry about making sure they match later."

"Uh, alright." Jiro headed over to the shirts. These racks were even taller, with the highest tier reachable only with a stepladder. You could get lost in here. Jiro thought he might've gotten _completely _lost when he bumped into someone - he was sure he and Hifumi were the only two out on the floor. "Excuse me," he said.

"Oh my, that hurt. You've injured my shoulder. I'll require compensation," replied the second familiar voice of the day.

Jiro looked over the yukata-clad shoulder, worried he'd really hurt the guy, but saw nothing out of the ordinary. "Ah, seriously? I'm sorry, but I don't-"

"Just kidding. I'm fine. How interesting to run into you here, little Yamada." He let out an airy laugh. "How are you?"

"I'm fine, Mr., um," Oh, damn, he couldn't remember the guy's name. He hadn't actually gone up against Fling Posse, much less interacted with its members outside the battles.

"Yumeno," he provided. "Gentaro Yumeno."

Hifumi called out from the other side of the labyrinth of finery. "Yamada, where are you?"

"Over here," Jiro called back. "Behind the really tall rack." He waved as if that would help.

"Has anything caught your eye?" Hifumi said, his voice getting closer. "I found this _really_ slick purple vest that I think would-" He emerged from behind the clothes, far too many chosen items in far too many colors draped over his arms- "Huh? Gentaro? Gentaro! What're you doing here? Finally taking my advice and getting some new duds?"

Gentaro's face darkened almost imperceptibly as he saw Hifumi. "I'm afraid not. I've been following you around all day as part of my research for my next novel. I've seen your every move," he said. "Everything."

Hifumi froze. "So you saw… what I bought for Doppo…?"

"Oh, was it for Kannonzaka? It was so romantic, I was certain it was a gift for a lover."

His face flushing beet red, Hifumi said animatedly, "Forget you saw that!" He stepped forward, and piled clothes started tumbling off his arms. He was struggling to pick them back up while balancing the rest, so Jiro took some away. "_Forget about it!"_ He repeated.

Gentaro laughed, taking a step back from the waterfall of clothes that threatened to come tumbling down off of Hifumi. "Of course I didn't see anything. ...That was a lie, you know."

"W-what? _Oh,_ of course it was. Dangit, you Meiji-era meanie, you had me going."

Gentaro smiled, picture of innocence.

Jiro normally tried to get between these sorts of fights (at least when they didn't involve himself). These two seemed like they'd keep jabbing at each other no matter what, though. He elected to try to distract them away from the argument, and said, "Hey, Hifumi, you told me to pick out a shirt but I've got no idea what I'm doing."

"I'll help!" Hifumi said, like it was a new revelation, and he hadn't already taken the whole afternoon into his own hands. "I guess you're more used to picking shirts to tie around your waist, right?" He giggled, dropped the rest of the clothes he'd picked into Jiro's arms, and started rifling through the racks once more. "Gentaro, stay over there. I don't want your bad taste rubbing off on Yamada."

Gentaro huffed and poked through the racks.

Neither of the two stopped smiling as they insulted each other, so maybe they were friends? Jiro honestly couldn't tell.

Hifumi was chattering about colors and patterns and fabrics, piling shirts onto Jiro's full arms. They slowly made their way through that section, ending up at the fitting room. They laid out all the chosen articles, and Hifumi selected a few to send into the stall with Jiro. "These will look good together, come on, try 'em out!"

Examining the tags, Jiro lamented, "There's no way I can afford these…"

"Seriously? Well, once we pick your perfect outfit, I'll buy it for you! It's totally fine! I dragged you all through the store, right?"

"No!" Jiro blurted out. "That's way too much! No way!"

Hifumi just pushed him into the stall. "Once you have the perfect suit you'll be so handsome and confident you'll be able to pay me back in no time. Or whatever! That's the deal, alright?"

There was no arguing with this guy. Jiro sighed and started changing.

He heard conversation from outside the stall. "Gentaro, what're you still doing here? Want me to pick you out something to try on, too? I won't buy it for you, though. I know your novels make you plenty of money, _somehow."_

"Didn't I tell you I was following you for research purposes?"

"I thought that was a lie."

Gentaro was silent for a minute before saying, "That was a lie."

"...Wait, which thing was a lie?" Hifumi sounded increasingly alarmed. Gentaro didn't respond. "Which thing was a lie, Gentaro!?"

Gentaro laughed. Jiro didn't need to see him to know he was doing that sly smile.

Jiro was mostly finished changing, except Hifumi hadn't given him a suit jacket. He didn't have the right shoes, either, so he stepped back into his usual sneakers. He exited the stall wearing a yellow shirt with a white spotted pattern, navy vest fastened overtop, and gray slacks completing the look.

Jiro was glad he stepped out at the second he did, because it looked like the microphones were about to break out if Gentaro didn't tell Hifumi the truth soon. Hifumi was immediately distracted by Jiro's emergence. He was elated for a second, but started to giggle when he looked up at Jiro's head.

"Your hat hair is so bad! Do you sleep with it on?" He returned to his discarded bag to pull out a comb. "Come here, let me fix it." He'd said "come here" and "let me", but he quickly jumped over to Jiro and started messing with his hair whether he wanted it or not. He fluffed it up, pushed the loose strands at front over and back, and even went so far as to bring out a hair tie and pull it into a low ponytail.

As soon as Hifumi took his hands away, Jiro's fringe returned to its usual place in front of his face. The rushed style was still far more adult than anything Jiro ever did himself. He examined his reflection, turning around and tugging at the hem of the vest. It wasn't half bad, except... "Saburo..." he mumbled.

"Huh?" Hifumi looked at Jiro, then at Jiro's reflection. "Oh! Your brother always wears these colors, huh? Yeah. It does bring him to mind, now that you mention it." He gathered up another outfit. "Try these ones now!"

Jiro was ushered back into the stall. The next outfit did have a jacket, but no vest. More… casual, then? Was that how it worked? It consisted of a white shirt, not-quite-dark-enough-to-be-maroon jacket with matching slacks, and a solid blue tie.

He didn't know how to tie the tie. He left the stall without it, certain Hifumi would end up helping him again.

Sure enough, as soon as he noticed the tie's absence, Hifumi stepped behind Jiro to show him how in the mirror. Over this way, under that way, over again. "That's the Kelvin knot," Hifumi said. "I try to get Doppo to do it because it's nice, but he always does the four-in-hand. It's one extra step! How lazy can you get, right?"

Jiro couldn't follow the instruction at all. Hifumi didn't seem to notice, and went around to Jiro's front to properly button up his jacket over the tie. Outfit completed, Jiro looked into the mirror skeptically. The red was… hm.

Hifumi snickered.

Jiro shot him a questioning look.

"Okay, I did it on purpose this time. I know the red, white, and blue is just like your older brother."

Jiro sighed. Hifumi already had the next outfit ready, so he foisted it on him and closed the door again.

Before Jiro could behind undressing, he heard the now-familiar sounds of Gentaro and Hifumi arguing, and then footsteps ran out of the shop. Someone knocked at the stall.

Jiro opened it, and saw Gentaro with more clothes in hand. "Try these," he offered.

"But Hifumi's-" Jiro started.

"Don't worry about Izanami's choices. Trust me, this is much better. Look at the teal he's trying to get you to wear." Gentaro pushed the pile of clothes onto him and shut the stall. "He's just left, anyways."

Resigned to being pushed around today, Jiro changed into Gentaro's outfit of choice. The shirt was deep blue, the jacket dark grey, and the slacks black. There wasn't a tie or vest to go with it this time. It was more subtle than anything Hifumi had picked, with no garish colors in sight.

Jiro exited the stall as Hifumi was running back into the store. He didn't notice him, rushing to rummage through his bag. "Gentaro, you damn liar, it didn't fall out. It's still right here!"

"I'm a 'damn liar'-" he mimicked Hifumi's intonation perfectly- "but you didn't think to check your bag _before_ you sprinted away…?"

Hifumi wailed, but as soon as he turned around to keep fighting with Gentaro, he saw Jiro and that train of thought was completely derailed. He hopped up and started circling. "Oh my _gosh,_ did you pick that out yourself? It's _so_ nice! Wow!"

"Mr. Yumeno picked it…" Jiro said, distracted. He was focusing more on his reflection, and how the clean lines of the jacket made him look more professional than he ever had in his life. The lapels lay flat over his chest, just narrow enough to emphasize his own natural slimness. The collar of the silk shirt popped up to give it just enough color. Even his normal sneakers didn't look completely out of place with this outfit; the blue of the laces was the same as his shirt.

Hifumi _gasped._ "Gentaro has style!?" He exclaimed, like it was the most shocking thing he'd ever heard. Then a lightbulb went off in his head, and he jumped back to the pile of clothes from earlier, tossing things around. "I know I saw it here," he muttered to himself. "Here!" He emerged triumphantly, tie in hand. He went back to Jiro to help him put it on.

The dark background of the tie matched his slacks, with thin, asymmetrical stripes of blue, red, and yellow crossing off-center for a modern look.

"This one just screams _Buster Bros,_ doesn't it?" Hifumi said. "You should get three. You'd all match!"

Jiro looked at the completed outfit. He couldn't help but move around in the mirror, admiring it from different angles, pulling on the collar, putting his hands in the pockets. He smiled at his reflection, and then laughed at his own ridiculous preening.

Hifumi clapped his shoulder. "This is totally the one, right? No need to try on anything else; I can tell! I'll get the clerk and pay."

Jiro thought about protesting again, but dropped it. Hifumi said he could pay him back whenever, right? Yeah, sure. He'd let himself be treated for now. Hifumi already had his wallet out, anyways.

Gentaro sauntered over and poked at Jiro's outfit, readjusting the collar and hem. "Hey," he said, voice hushed.

Jiro responded quizzically, "Eh?"

"While Izanami's occupied, do you want to see what he bought for Kannonzaka? It's really quite embarrassing."

Jiro said again, more concerned, "_Eh?_ Is that any of our business…?"

"Only a lie, of course," Gentaro admitted with a laugh. He flattened Jiro's collar back down. "You look fetching."

Jiro snorted and looked back at his reflection. "I know that's the truth."


End file.
